Rectroactivity

5:00 AM. The dawn broke with tiny droplets of rain while I waited for a cab under the Katipunan underpass. For 30 minutes I stood there unmoved, the first few minutes looking for unoccupied cabs, the majority spent just staring at screeching jeepneys and people running to take shelter from the rain. The gloom of the morning made the wait worth it. At last, a cab. The instance I entered the badly re-freshened car, the driver's radio played Aegis' Basang Basa sa Ulan.

3:00 AM. Things get on my nerve easier these past few days. Getting pissed by small things has been a part of my life. Japan lost over Paraguay. Where's Paraguay? They don't have Hidetoshi Nakata!

1:00 AM. The nature of McDonalds as a fast food chain is questionable, especially in areas around UP. Armed with my four highlighter, red pen, iPod, a pack of Lights and a cup of iced coffee, I tried to look serious as the piles of cases stacked in the table from my bag. The thing with me is, I choose what to read and not to read. The tendency of bias is high for me. Thus, rape cases are always on top of the list. Again, despite the non-academic atmosphere I was into, the temptation of cheaper coffee and free wi-fi and proximity got me.

11:00 PM. Imagine looking wasted and stressed. And while having a good smoke outside Cantina with a friend, some random kid approached me and said "Kuya, ang gwapo mo."

9:00 PM. Nothing beats a stressful day than a round of alcohol with good friends. With all the stress coming from all aspects of life, having somebody to actually share your stories with is a sigh of relief. After some thousand bucks spent, I realized I am at the brink of poverty. But then again, who cares.

7:00PM. Random moments are random and fun.

5:ooPM. The hell we cared about the rain. At the bad weather's strongest, the rush of jogging again after a few months is orgasmic. All books and photocopied materials were dropped to play Frisbee despite the lack of skills. Again, the hell. Studying is dead.

Lost conversation

I was pretty sure I have deleted every saved YM conversations we had before.

Last April, just before graduation, I cleaned my computer, deleting all the unnecessary undergrad files and documents that I won't be needing anymore. And that included every small things that would probably remind me of you.

Then last night. It never came into me that I don't delete conversations in YM, thus the archiving works properly. So while browsing for some old conversations with my friend Leeo, I stumbled upon this.

v*l: Sino na kasi crush mo?

slb: Para hindi mo na ako kulitin, ikaw na lang.

v*l: Anong ako? Ako?

slb: Para hindi ka nga mangulit:)

v*l: Weh corny. Yung totoo kasi.

slb: (that emoticon of ROFL)

v*l: Hay nako. Eh di kung sinabi mo kung sino, tapos na kulitan.

slb: Ikaw nga. O tapos na?

v*l: Totoo?Joke ba yan o totoo?

slb: Grabe no Busy na lahat ng tao ngayon.

v*l: Joke ba yan o totoo?

v*l: Joke ba yan o totoo? (he really typed this twice)

slb: Grabe, hindi na ako tinantanan.

v*l: Sige, tatantanan na kita.

slb: Shit. Sorry.

A year ago, I was that naive and cynic. Well, I am still a cynic, but you know what I mean. My memory of you during those days we still had this kind of conversation is now vague. All I know is that everything crumbled. And for all those butterflies and lack of courage, I blame myself.

So I closed the messenger and went back to studying. I realized emptying my YM archives will do nothing, given that I still can't erase you from my fucking stupid mind.

Weekend rant

I wish I could write about those precious high school memories that would match Sharon Cuneta's tune. If given the time, I could make a great epic from it. But the world has already changed- people moved in and out, sentiments varied. It's as if all those realities were unripe, but I consumed it anyway.

Five, or maybe six years ago, life was so basic I could paint who I am in few flicks. I go for casual clothings and stay until the sun sets while eating fishballs and talk about the day that was with people who, I thought, matters.

Now, the tabula rasa of this new found life has yet to find the right mix to actually make a mark. Late nights are now spent looking forward with a cynic state of mind. I could, for a day or two survive without human interaction.

Time has played its part. Now at the brink of this profanity and the cruelty of its reality, grabbing a cup of coffee while hitting a stick or two are the only things that questions the volatility of this world.

Still summer

So you get the idea, right? Here comes the sun with his full might, putting the city on fire and keeping people in the dark shades of the trees.

And there you are, standing in the middle of the crowd, while others are hiding from the rays and running away from it's wrath. You stand there, unmoved.

Right where the sun's glare is at its peak and where shadows die, you fight the blazes and the tans.

Yet you feel perfectly cold.

(I want summer back. I want bum life back.)

First week madness

And so I went to my undergraduate college to meet some friends and have lunch to escape the realms of the post-graduate portal I am currently in. Because we don't want to talk about our academic situations and being outcasts to the new batch of freshmen to actually share some hot gossip, we settled with the topic a lot of people may not seem comfortable talking about.

You see, my girl friend K has just broken up with a relationship of almost seven years less than three months ago. After some, actually a lot of flirting with other guys and girls, she decided to not commit to anything anymore. But some girls just want to have fun.

Friend K: Hanapan mo naman ako ng lovelife.

somelostboy: Gusto mo ng taga-Law?

Friend K: Gago. Hanapan mo naman ako ng magkakaroon ng time para sa akin.

So there. That conversation summarizes my life now. I am in the mood to sing Ben King's I Who Have Nothing with all the money, time and happiness I am deprived of now.

TBA

While slowly walking the now-paved academic oval, trying to feel the gloom atmosphere of the academe, I can't help but wish for another break before the torture that is waiting for me. The clouds are beginning to show weight from the rain, ready to fall anytime. It was the perfect day before the start of class- depressing.

To add to the misery, a young straight couple walks some few steps ahead of me. My attempt to cherish the cold breeze was gone with the wind as I hear the couple giggle.

Then the couple stopped, and looked at me. The guy was pretty cute, the dorky type with his braces on. I was starting to build an excuse in the back of my mind in case he asks for a threesome. It turned out to be just another chance for me to be some good stranger in the road.

Guy: Kuya, san po iyong TBA?

If we go to the same school, then you probably know that jokes that come with the TBA. If you are a freshie and trying to look for your class in Room TBA, some sophomores would probably give a prank and say The Bahay ng Alumni or worst, the non-existent Theodoro Benigno Academy.

After I heard the question, I was caught in a very difficult situation. Shall I be the good Samaritan, or for just one time, play the wicked upperclassmen? I went blank.

LostBoy: To be Announced.

As I walked away from the couple, I can't help but think of the first few days of my university life. I was a freshman excited to start a new step in his life, still full of hopes and dreams. Just like those kids, I once saw the world as a big, nice world for me to conquer and lead in my hands.

That enthusiasm is something I seem to lose now. So I spent the few more steps in the academic oval trying to question that kid inside of me, for I know he still exists.

Come as you are

Alternative Title: I know you want to be that person on the other line of the phone.

I bet the "Eto para sa paborito kong apo" ad of Mcdonalds can still play in your mind clearly up to this day. Or I could be more recent, the scene of an unrequited love with the classic Huling el Bimbo playing in the background, quite remarkable.

Well, here's an ad from Mcdo in France that gave some fresh and kilig air to my boring academic and social life.

Got to grab some fries and float now.

Tag-ulan

sa isipan—

pilit kitang binubura
ngunit sa tuwing inaalis

lalong nagugunita
ang iyong ala-ala

tulad ng ulan sa labas
malakas at maingay

walang tigil sa pagbagsak
kaya't sa aking isipan

bumaha ng iyong larawan
bumuhos ang nakaraan

patuloy ang pagbuhos
walang tigil

kailan kaya titila
ang ulan?

God, I am stressed no adjective can describe the feelings I have right now. I am restricted from drinking any alcohol and smoking. So, I am looking for alternatives to survive the first few weeks of school. Got any idea?